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Jun 19, 2011

Ten Years...

June 1969
     Ten can feel like yesterday or it can feel like a lifetime ago. 
     Ten years ago…June 2001.  Maybe your life was better or maybe it wasn’t.  Since then you may have found someone who is important to you, or you may have lost someone important.
     Ten years ago this month I lost my mother.  She was dynamic, fearless, and ambitious.  She was only fifty-nine years oldand she had breast cancer.
    Ten years ago today I sat through her memorial service, which felt as surreal then as the memory of it does now. 
     If I said I didn’t cry every single day for the first few years after her death, I would be lying.  If I said getting out of bed on all those mornings seemed impossible, I would be telling you the truth. If I said there is a hole in my heart and that I miss her more than words can say, that would be an understatement; and if I said the hurt on every anniversary of her death feels as painful as it did on the actual day of her death, well, that would be my reality.
July 6, 1984
     Ten years...sometimes it feels like yesterday, sometimes it feels like a lifetime ago.  I hate it that I can’t remember the sound of her laugh but thankfully I can still see her smile and the way her upper lip flattened out over her perfect teeth.  For the life of me I can't see into the depths of her eyes but I can remember the breadth of her love and the vastness of her spirit, which was always visable in those brown eyes. 
     I can not picture her walk, but I can hear it.  Her footsteps were always heavy and purposeful, and sometimes they still wake me up at night.
    I can picture her hands; small and soft, and I know that I would recognize her fingersespecially the one with the short thick nail, the one she hated; the one that a bull had hooked on a barbwire fence.  Yet, it kills me to admit that I don’t think I would recognize her voice.  Time has stolen that from me.
Dec. 25, 1993
     I can still imagine the feel of her thick, red hair, which I used to bend around a curling iron.  But to this day I still get sick to my stomach when I think about her wig, a memory that time refuses to rob.
     Try as I might I’m unable to remember if her hugs were high around my neck or low around my waist, but I do recall that they were long and tight and that she hugged first, and let go last.  If I close my eyes I can remember the feel of her fingertips lightly tracing the pattern of my face, tickling my forehead as I lay with my head in her lap.
     Time is an indiscriminate thief of memories, randomly taking one and thoughtfully leaving another.  It may have robbed me of certain recollections but it can't steal the feelings of those memories, which are just as fresh, deep and real today as they were a decade ago.  And I imagine as they will be a decade from now. 
     Ten years...some days it feels like yesterday, some days it feels like a lifetime ago.
Nov 28, 1996
Di Anne Marie Grimm
11/28/41 ~ 6/14/01  


  1. Tammi, I can see your mother's tenderness in you. You come from a line of women whose strength of will came from loving and being loved. To love someone properly, we must be brave and vulnerable, convicted and unashamed. When we let go of ourselves, we soar! For every new height you reach, your mother's love is cheering you beyond what you ever thought possible. As a mother and grandmother, this pleases and encourages me. Thank you and God bless, Jane W.

  2. Tammi, your writing NEVER ceases to rise an overwhelming emotion within me..whether it be a fully belly laugh, crying my own tears with you and your memories or those tender ones of my own, or something in between. Thank you for sharing your life with all of us. I am blessed to get a peek inside and to now call you my friend.
    God Bless you and yours,

  3. Jane and Shyla, Thank you both for the beautiful and ♥felt comments. What a blessing it is for me to be able to call YOU my friends!
    Much ♥Tammi

  4. Beautiful! Even though I only lost my mom three years ago, the emotions are still the same today and memories keep her in my heart daily. Hugs to you Girlfriend!

  5. Mom
    You have a gift, your writing is so inspiring. You manage to share something so personal to you with the reader that they feel your emotions. 10 years may be a blink of any eye to some or forever to others. Regardless, any time without a mom is difficult to handle. 10 years to the month, you will have your book in your hands. I know she is looking down, smiling with her lip against her teeth and proud of you. She would hug you with both her arms under you and hold your shoulders tight, that's how she hugged. Even if you cannot remember how it would sound if she told you, know it in your heart.
    p.s. you look like her in the last pic

  6. Risa I think of your mom often and loved her so much myself. I know girfriend...yes, I know how much it still hurts after 3 short years. Wish I could tell you that it will get easier, but I can't. I'll just tell you that it gets different.
    ♥ Ya

  7. Sierra thank you for reminding me how she hugged. When you said under, with both hands on your shoulders, well...I lost it. How could I have forgotten that? I know how special you were to each other and I know you miss her as much as I do.
    I ♥ you honey!
    p.s. you look just like me in a lot of pictures too ya know!

  8. Beautifully written tribute, Tammi. It made me frantically try to recall all those little things about my Mom and you're right - it's hard. But I could still find this feeling, like when she would stand behind me with her hand on my shoulder and call me "babe," and I felt relieved. Dec. 18 will be ten years for me. A 90 year old woman once told me she still missed her mother every day. I guess that means 40 more won't change anything. Deanna

  9. Deanna thank you for writing. Yes, I do recall that you and I will always share this unfortunate and unwelcome anniversary. Hang on to the memories. Thanx for reading SdJ.

  10. I am crying. Your post about Di was superb. I think she hugged you high BTW. I miss her so much.
    Your Mom was the best friend I ever had; such a great listener and supporter in her quiet way. I know she is proud of you.


  11. Judie, Thank you so much. I know that you were a great friend to mom and that she loved you a lot.
    Take care and keep in touch. I miss ya!
    ♥ Tammi