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Apr 16, 2013

Throwing Up On a Cop Will NOT Get You Out of a Speeding Ticket

So you know I mentioned that I got pulled over again the other day, for passing a cop, again. They always do that to me. I'm pretty sure it's not against the law to pass the law, but every time I do I get busted. Maybe it's just Wyoming and Montana and Idaho, oh and Colorado.
     Anyway my friend Jules reminded me of the time I got stopped for speeding in Yellowstone Park, which after all these years I can finally laugh about.

This is my daughter, the Know-It-All, as I like to call her. She looks angelic huh?  Look closer. Reeeeeaaal close. 

Here's what happened:  I was somewhere between Big Sky and West Yellowstone and unbeknownst to me it was 55mph zone.  I was doing 84 or 86 or something like that when I met up with one of Montana's finest, who immediately threw on the lights and flipped around.  The Know-It-All, aka Sierra, was about thirteen or fourteen years old at the time. You know... that age where something has crawled up their butts and died so they are constantly sulking...or embarrassing you...or not listening to you...or telling you to "talk to the hand".  That age.

Anyhow, she was lying down in the back seat, pouting about something I presume, when I said, urgently Sierra! Sit up and put your seat belt on, I'm getting pulled over by a cop! So then I said it again, about 562842 more times with some cuss words thrown in. Of coarse she wouldn't sit up and buckle up, so as I pulled over I told her to pretend like she was sick. Bad idea....really bad idea. I knew she was a drama queen but I had no idea that she could pull off an Academy Award wining performance without a dress rehearsal.

As I pulled over and rolled down my window the best looking cop that I have ever seen was walking up to my door. It was then that my movie star daughter sat up and started moaning, like I'd been beating her with a clothes hanger or something.  The handsome officer looked into the back seat at the pile of teenage angst that was flopping about so I gave him my best smile and said, my daughter is really sick. I was speeding so I could hurry and get her to a bathroom.
     About that time Sierra said in her best, my-mother-has-been-beating-me-with-a-clothes-hanger-voice, give me some Pepto-Bismol, and so I opened up the glove box and tossed a bottle of Pepto into the back seat. Don't ask me why I had Pepto in the glove box, because I have no idea why, but I did.  And I knew I did. It was right there, next to the vodka and my .38.

Ok, so he wasn't Eric Estrada, but close...
I was still smiling my mommie dearest smile through gritted teeth at the cute cop, hoping that hitting your brat in the head with a loaded bottle of Pepto Bismol was going to endear me to him.
     He gave me the: license and registration ma'am, do you know how fast your were going, I'll be right back, spiel, while my darling daughter was still moaning and rolling around the back seat, like she were resisting an exorcism. 

THAT'S ENOUGH SIERRA, SIT UP AND PUT YOUR SEAT BELT ON BEFORE I GET A TICKET FOR THAT TOO, I demanded, giving her a look that could have bent a spoon, if she'd had one in her hand.  But did my devil-child straighten up and act right?  What do you think?  Noooooooo.
     As the cop was coming back to the car with my ticket in hand you will never guess what Satan's Spawn did.  She ate the rest of her granola bar, took a swig of Pepto Bismol and a big gulp of orange soda and then, just as the cop got to the rear of the car she threw open the car door, about hitting him with it and then promptly puked it all up on his shoes. Yep. She did.
     He jumped back, mouth hanging unflatteringly open and looked at his orange and pink shoes. As he handed me my ticket he said, Ma'am you'd better hurry and get her to a bathroom, she seems pretty sick to me. But don't be speeding!!!       

And by the way, speeding in Yellowstone Park is a federal offense, because, duh! it's on federal land. The nice officer wrote me up for only 76 mph.  I think he felt sorry for me...either that or he saw Sierra's horns.

WHOA, whoa, whoa, slow won't want to pass up this recipe for Black and White Soup...BLACK. AND. WHITE. SOUP.  Get it??? Cop cars are BLACK AND WHITE, jeez do I have to spell out everything for you?
     The Black Bean Soup is my recipe and the White Cheddar Soup, (adapted from BA) are poured simultaneously into the same bowl, creating BLACK AND WHITE SOUP.  I garnish the Black with Lime Scented Sour Cream and the White Soup with Cilantro Oil. 
     My official taste tester, The Big Guy gave it three thumbs up!

It may seem like a lot of work to make two soups, but they go together pretty fast and can be made the day before and then re-heated.  If you do that you may need to thin them down with a little more chicken broth. 
     Click on the "Soups, Salads, Sides" tab for the recipes. 


  1. I loved it! Thanks for sharing - I got pulled over on the Frontage near Dayton last week - the cop was a guy so I did not check to see if he was handsome but he was really short - 73 in a 65 and since I had my AZ license he gave me a warning! Your story was much better! Now to learn to write and cook as well as you!

    1. Hey thanks Billybob ~ yeah you gotta watch those Wyoming po-po, they will get you! Thanks for reading the Sauce!

  2. I sooo had to laugh at this puts me right back to an experience I had with an HP over around Roundup. A day late and a dollar short coming back from a week on a cattle drive into Miles City from the Flowing Wells area out of Angela. No INSURANCE! When he saw the last name on my drivers license (yea it was legal, the only thing that was, but it was), he asked if I was related to "???" and of course, he's my cousin. Explained, (flirting just a bit) where I was coming from, my dad, the "sheriff in ??? county, you probably know him, right?" By the time it was all said and done, I had BS'd my way, not only out of a speeding ticket (It would have been a whopper too, about 92 mph in a 70 mph zone), but he forgot to even ask for the insurance card!!! I pulled away from the side of the road with a grin like a wave on a slop bucket and actually abided by the speed limit until I got to the other side of Roundup, then gave her hell all the way to Billings. It's a wonder somebody's not pumping daylight to me in Deer Lodge! Just sayin'!

    1. Hey Maureen, I could be there right next to you in Deer Lodge. How'd the soup turn out?