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Mar 31, 2012

Zero To Dick In 3.2 Seconds

Is it just my husband or do all men turn into Jeff Gordon on crack when they get behind the wheel of a rental car?

     I think he has a split-driving-personality although I know he would deny this accusation. Judge for yourself:  When he gets behind the wheel of a vehicle that requires you to put your initials in 72865 boxes before you can have the car keys, the guy who drives like a geezer down Coffeen Avenue suddenly turns into Bo Duke, but put him behind the wheel of a vehicle that has a payment coupon book with his name pre-printed on it and he turns into Morgan Freeman, driving Miss Daisy. Seriously!
    In his own vehicle The Big Guy is one of those people who will set the cruise control on about 74 and then just coast. When I drive I set the cruise on 84 then drive about 98, and yes it is true that I drive with binoculars so that I can have a look down the road at any oncoming cars to see if they are the po-po, but that's another story and this isn't about me.

Is it just me, or does he look stressed to you too?

Here's the deal: the higher the mortality rate of the country that we are in directly effects how crazy of a driver he becomes meaning we that we are likely to get dead quicker in a place where they just pile up the bodies without regard to a proper burial. Ummm huh.
     And get this: he likes to use the emergency brake as a kind of Jake brake, so not only do the rental cars we return have tires with flat spots, but they have NO E-BRAKES left on them for the next poor sucker. I shit you not, he can drive an entire week and never turn a corner using the steering wheel because Larry The Big Guy Gordon reefs up on the emergency brake and then punches it so we just do a kind of skidding bat turn around the corners. Ohhh yeah.

Yep...that's the road rage comin' on!

Awhile back we were in Puerto Rico in a rental and he was zipping in and out of traffic and changing lanes like he’s a coked up Earnhardt and he's got a case of road rage like the trucker from the movie Dual, and he was cussing like he’s in a contest. I bring up the point about his Coffeen Avenue geezer driving and he gets all defensive about it and gives me a stink eye as we zig and zag and change lanes some more and go approximately 30 miles and never actually pass the truck that is in front of us, which I also point out. Hmmmm.

A few weeks ago in St. Thomas (where you drive on the left) he cuts off this chick by making a left turn in front of her although we were clearly not in the turning lane. She lays on the horn for a good solid three minutes and you know what that means. Yep, Big tries to out-honk her. She wins...our horn peters out after about a minute. She then gets the opportunity to pass us so she mashes on it and her sporty little jeep zips around us and she sticks her arm out the window and gives us the finger while we follow her for the next five miles. I don't have to tell you what The Big Guy does, do I?  You guessed it...he puts his foot in it and winds up our old rent-a-dent-loser-cruiser and with his face pressed into the windshield we veer and careen and do our best to keep up with her so he can give her the old California howdy sign back. And I ain't talking about the peace sign, people. And he's loving it. I can tell because he's laughing like a lunatic.  (Authors note: We were taking friends to the airport so there were witnesses to this incident and they just kind of lunatic-laughed too, once we got the "Oh Shit" bars pried out of their hands.)

Watch for is to dick in 3.2 seconds

Some of the rental cars here have a sticker on the dash that says, “KEEP LEFT AND BLOW HORN FREQUENTLY.”  I gotta hand it to him...he does do that most of the time.  However, and I have pointed this out; there is NOT a sticker that says, “KEEP LEFT AND GIVE THE FINGER FREQUENTLY WHILE MOUTHING OFF,” but he does do that sometimes too.

So here is a warning:  If you ever think about buying a used car that was once in a rental fleet ask to see it's rental history and make sure it’s one that Larry The Big Guy Gordon has never rented.  Any of our friends who have ever ridden with him in a rental car already know this, but I feel it’s my duty to warn the public as well.

Who doesn't love finger foods? (Sneaky segue, I know) Here is a great appetizer recipe for  Mango-Curry Shrimp Salad in Mini Phyllo Cups. Click on the "Appetizers" tab to view it.

Recipe adapted from one in Bon Appetit. I like mine better...less mayo, more chutney and curry and phyllo cups instead of wonton wrappers.


  1. This is sooooo funny about Larry. Must be a guy thing.

    1. Your husband too? Yep, guy thing for sure!
      Thanks for reading the Sauce, June, hope all is well in CA!

  2. I personally think it is a Littrell thing...they all drive like that

    1. I think you are right about the Littrell thing. Means we must be related anonymous.
      Thanks for reading and leaving a comment!

  3. Jay and I got a huge chuckle out of this! Jay's always said rentals go through hell!

  4. Hey Wyna,
    Yes, Jay's right - especially if it's one that Larry has ever rented!
    Thanks for reading The Sauce!

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