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Jul 1, 2014

God, Dogs, and Rock 'N' Roll

 Heaven Been there, going back

So we (my immediate family) are all in heaven. I’m not sure how we got there. Yellowstone finally erupted…a flood maybe? The Second Coming? We killed each other…who knows? But we are in Heaven.
And the conversation goes like this:

God:   Hey you guys, there’s a concert at the Pearly Gates tonight; who’s coming? I have front row seats and back stage passes for everyone! Oh…and free t-shirts. Did I mention that the beer and wine is on the house? And you know pets are always welcome here. So who’s in?

Most of Us:   Me! Woof! Woof! Me! Me! Duh!

God:   Great!  I just plucked a rowdy bunch of rednecks out of a trailer park in Oklahoma who said to count them in too! Oh, and I’m gonna throw in some Walmart folks for some good people watching. And did I mention most of your old friends will be there?  It’s gonna be a helluva party!

Me:   Hey God, does that concert ticket include a VIP parking pass?

God:   Of course my child, Valet parking for everyone!

Me:   Thanks God, count me and the pups in!

Son-in-law:   Nah not me. That time I went to Lynard Skynard they were just too loud. I think I’ll stay home and look for dog pee stains on the carpet.

God:   Suit yourself Son. Wait, did you say pee stains? Chihuahua pee stains? Hey, can we talk later? I got Hank Williams and Patsy Cline opening for Elvis and I really want to catch their act, but just so you know, I’ve been on the lookout for a new Pee-Pee Police and you might be my man! I need someone who’s willing to strap on a head light and crawl around on the carpet with a spray bottle of Bissell Foam Cleaner. You know, after all, Heaven is just one big dirty living room. Heh, heh, heh. So we’ll talk later...right?

Son-in-law:   Ahhhh, yeah sure God.  Elvis, huh? The King?

God:   Well, technically I’m the King here. Heh, heh, heh. Son, I gotta run. You just go on in search of a little doggie doo-doo while we catch a little pre-show Amy Winehouse. I just love that Rehab song!  I say no, no, no.  And don’t worry, you won’t really be missing out on that much. I mean Amy's good, but she's no Whitney.
     By the way, your family and the dogs—well, after ol' Waylon and Johnny Cash close the show they will all just probably go out for some BBQ—wait, scratch that, there is no BBQ in Heaven…that’s the other place. Heh heh, heh.  I’ll send the company jet to pick them up and they can all go grab some duck confit nachos, Copper River Salmon, truffle fries, and maybe a clean martini or two before they head off on that Alaskan Cruise.

Son-in-Law:   Alaskan Cruise? Well maybe….

God:   No…God no…don’t worry about trying to get the carpet cleaned before they leave. Relax, you are going to have all of eternity, that's plenty of time to clean 5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 give or take, square feet of brand spankin’ new double-ply shag carpet. Plus—and you’re gonna love this—I've got twice that much Berber AND a new billion watt, three-way head lamp!!!! And for you buddy…I’m going to introduce you to your new best friend, Stanley.

Son-in-law:   Stanley?

God:   Steamer, you’ve heard of him haven’t you?  He was a BIG deal, back in the day. Fumes got the best of him. Anyhow, do you have ANY IDEA just how many Chihuahuas there are in heaven? A lot, I’m talkin’ A LOT.  Mexicans are Catholic you know. Do not pass go, go directly to Heaven. Heh, heh, heh.
     Anyway, you will probably be able to retire here as Major General Colonel of the Pee-Pee Po-Po. Chihuahuas will stand up and salute you for all of eternity.
Son-in-law:   But what about my fam….

God:   Your wife? Your daughter? Oh don’t worry about them. After that little Alaskan Cruise they are going over to the Jamaica side of Heaven. I heard they like old Bob. Marley. You know Bob Marley don’t you? Oh that’s right. Darn, you missed that show too! But hey, don’t feel bad. If memory serves me right…and it usually does, you found the Holy Mother of Mary of all pee stains on that night, while they were getting high…on afterlife…lighten up dude. This is God you’re talking to.  

Elvis Parsley-the "other" King.

 Just look at that face! I just LOVE this baby and I'm sure she loves us because she leaves us a little present every now and then.
Ellie new "grand-puppy"

Author's Note: This is intended to be tongue-in-cheek humor about living life to the fullest and not sweating the small stuff. It's about enjoying time spent with my family and friends and not being hung up on crap that really isn't important in the grand scheme of things. In no way is this intended to be a jab at my son-in-law, whom I love and think is a good guy. This piece is merely a highly exaggerated account of his fierce distaste for Chihuahuas and dog pee. 

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