Dear Paisley,

I was in the room when you entered this world; raw, shocked, screaming bloody murder and completely unaware that those witnessing your arrival were already madly in love with you. Your first cries were matched by my own; sounds that escaped from somewhere south of my soul, about a half a second after I heard your first cry. Both of us, making sounds that were completely involuntary and foreign to our own ears. Mine came with an intensity that matched yours, only less shrill. 

    Your beautiful mothers’ weeping was barely audible in a room that was suddenly filled with chaos and joy. Three generations of us cried for a hundred different reasons. The pain of child birth was overshadowed by the fear of the unknown, and the fear of the unknown was overshadowed by the amazement of bringing life into the world, which was overshadowed by loving you so much that it hurt. And on it went; a merry-go-round of emotions that started and ended with love, but included the ups and downs of fear, elation, uncertainty, joy, trepidation and happiness.  

    My world, as I knew it, was knocked it off its axis with your arrival. From that moment on I knew that I would live my life with your well-being in mind. Now, when I lay awake at night I wonder if you are sleeping. When I close my eyes I see your face and I dream of your future and pray for your safety.  

   I anticipate your accomplishments, dread your heartaches and promise to keep your secrets. I look forward to the day when you say my name, the day when you run to me and wrap your little arms around my neck, and the day that you climb up the leg of a horse and ride into an arena all by yourself.

    I want to share sticky bites of candy with you and laugh at our own private jokes...and cry with you over booboos, broken toys and broken hearts. The thought of feeling my hand wrapped around yours as we hold onto a wooden spoon together and go around a bowl, makes this big, bad world feel like a safer place. The truth is, I am terrified of the world that you will grow up in because I know that it will be cruel and that it hurt you. 

  Just watching you sleeping in your mothers arms causes me to make promises to you that I will die trying to keep. 

   Paisley, of this one thing I am certain: I promise to cherish every moment that God gives me with you.

   Love always, 

   Your Grandma Tammi