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Oct 17, 2012

On the Couch with Celebrity Chefs

Ladies, do you ever have those days when you feel kind of like a big fat toad? You know, all puffy and bloaty and in need of a really good fart? Don't tell me you don't. On the days when I do, I don't really mind feeling like a fat, farting toad because it kind of validates my reasons for wanting to hang out on the couch all day in my leopard jammies, munch on pistachios and eat Valbreso Cheese straight out of the can, and watch the Food Channel.

Unbeknownst to me I must have went off of my diet of butter and cream and did three or four days of cream and butter because all of a sudden I had the "old bad belly," if ya know what I mean, which luckily landed me square on the couch in my jammies, eating pistachios and high-end cheese. It was just the twelve hours that I needed to catch up with all my celebrity chef friends.

Here's the scoop from a cranky bitch that hasn't had a good BM for a few days. EXCUSE ME PEOPLE!...BM is a "BOTTLE of MERLOT!" You sickos...I know what were you thinking!

As I said, here is the recap of my day watching celebrity chefs:
I pretty much love Rachel Ray. She's cute and perky, seems genuine and has good hair. I like that she can make the simplest four ingredients look tasty, even if three of them came out of a can. Plus I like the fact that she is type A.

I really like the buff guy with the accent who does Dinner Impossible, especially if he is wearing a black T-shirt. I like him a lot because he cracks the whip on those candy asses who think that you can't feed a thousand people in an hour, but mostly I like him because he is bossier than me.
See what I mean? He looks bossy, huh?

Then there is Guy Fieri, the guy with eyes glasses on the back of his head. I'm a big fan of Diners,Drive-Ins and Dives and I make notes in my iPad of some of the places that I want to try someday. But Guy, I gotta be honest here, I love your tats man, but I have a hard time really liking a dude who wears a thumb ring.  The fakey bleached hair I can deal with but I find myself wondering if you wear a toe ring too.  Wait, don't answer that....Question for MY Big Guy:  Honey, if you had a gun to your head you still wouldn't wear a thumb ring would you?  Please say hell no.

  I think he should be fired for wearing a thumb ring and being homophobic. (Read about it here.) I'd gladly replace him!

Paula, oh Paula. WHAT THE HELL IS SO FUNNY? I love ya like a sister and you are the only person I know who looks really stunning with grey hair and who, besides moi  cooks with so much butter and cream. But what the hell are you always giggling about???  Seriously? Are you smokin' the doobie? I watched you twice today and only laughed once and that was when the dogs jettisoned off of the couch and gave me a dirty look because my stomach, yeah my stomach, I swear it was my stomach,  was making weird noises. It had nothing to do with you Paula, but you were laughing your ass off too. whatev...keep making those brownies and rockin' the grey girl, it works for you.

Giada: she is so freakin' pretty and has the best smile, and her hair is perfect and her food is so pretty and she makes it all look so easy. I hate her.  Have ya all noticed that the producers can't seem to keep the camera on the food because they are too busy shooting her cleavage?  You see more boobies than basil on her show. I think she has good boobs too, but give me one hooter shot at the onset and then let's get to cookin' some damn Italian, can we?
Hey, that's exactly how I look when I make homemade tomato sauce. Well, except for that big smile.

About Mario Batalli: He's a genius and I've eaten at his restaurant in Vegas, the B&B Ristorante and it was ahhh-mazing and soooo exxx-pensive.  It was also the first time I ever ate a ramp. Before I turned all foodie a hundred years ago, I used to just call it a green onion. Anyway, his Chicken Parmesan recipe is still my go-to Chicken Parm recipe today. (It's posted here, under the "Beef-Pork-Chicken" tab.)
     The truth is I like to listen to Mario but I hate to watch him for the following reasons:
1.  He loves orange, I don't. It reminds me of an inmate and I'm pretty sure inmate chefs do not have recipes that I would raise minimum bail for.
2.  I'm not a fan of scraggly, balding guys with ponytails the size of one spaghetti noodle. Shave it dude ~ bald is beautiful!
3. I HATE Crocs!!! Ugliest shoes EV-VER. If you want me to haunt your ass just bury me in Crocs and I'll be rattling chains, slamming doors and breaking dishes from the afterlife. Especially orange Crocs!                              
I own these beauties. They are my idea of Crocs.
'Nuff said.

Bobby Flay:  *sigh* I love everything about the man! His recipes, his smile, his hair, his humbleness and it dosen’t hurt that the man can cook! His "Bold American Food" cookbook is still one of my all-time favorite cookbooks and I have been cooking out of it for years.
     If he ever knocked on my door and said he was here to do a Throwdown with me because he heard I make killer jambalaya or a mean mashed potato I would just lay down and die and let him win this one. ♥ you Bobby Flay!
Bobby Flayvor ~ Rawrrr

OK where did  the Neelys come from? And why do they have their own show? Cute couple, all playful and lovey-dovey but so are the Muppets and they don’t have a show, do they? (BTW, "lovey-dovey" is my all-time favorite word)

And The Pioneer Woman? She seems so sweet, like she could be your best friend, and she has a hot cowboy husband and cute kids. I hate to add a “but” here….buuuut, I swear to God her soothing voice and the lullaby music on that show could knock you out like only Propofol can; and I'm thinking long enough to endure a limb amputation by coyotes. Ree, please, PLEASE kick it up a notch for us type A’s!

Gordon Ramsey is a bully and if he hollered at me, "MADAM, WHAT THE #@$% WERE YOU THINKING? YOU CAN'T SERVE THAT, NOW PISS OFF,  I would either a) cry or b) chamber a round in my .38.  I'm going with b).

I can't forget Emeril...I used to fantasize that The Big Guy, The Know-It-All, and Hates Everything would pony up and send me to his show for my birthday.  I saw myself all cute and stylish, wearing killer boots and some gaudy jewelery, sitting at his little six top bar and being one of the chosen few to eat his red beans and rice, crayfish etouffee and po'boys, all while drumming my fingers to Doc Gibbs' cool jazz. Never happened. Never will. Never forgive them. BAM!

So I finally switched over to the Travel Channel and to that weirdo Andrew Zimmern. (not a's not Zimmerman) I don't care how much you pay me I will not eat armadillo, sea cucumbers, cow placenta, fruit bats, squirrel brains, or pygmy goat testicles. Dip them all in chocolate and cover them in 18K gold and diamond dust and then put them inside the glove box of a new Maybach with my name on the pink slip and I still ain't touchin' that shit. Andrew, you are one sick bastard and I have food standards so that Maybach better be leather and loaded.

That's pretty much how my day went and now I'm getting my butt off the couch and going to have a good bottle of Merlot, yeah a bottle of, you know.....

Here is one my favorite Bobby Flay recipes:  Click here for Grilled Sea Scallops with Avocado-Corn Relish on Crisp Tortillas.  


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