But Enough About Them

Do you remember our most interesting friends, the Lexuses? I'm sure you recall Denny, the guy who earlier this year finished 2nd in the Caribbean Iron Man Contest. Yep, that's him...but enough about Denny. 

     I mean, who could forget his trophy wife? Well let me tell you, she is not just another pretty face. No… the woman who power shopped her way through the islands is also the matriarch of a whole family of over-achievers. But enough about Karen.
 

This story is about the most interesting accomplishments of the little Lexuses. Daughter Suzy is a bigwig Emergency Room doctor in NY and was a Pulitzer nominee for her dissertation on an innovative new technique which is now used to diagnosis Strep throat. Her research proved that, yes, is it possible to render a positive diagnosis of Strep using a butter knife and a dive light. She has also been semi-successful in performing tonsillectomies using a cocktail fork, olive tongs and a head lamp.      

    I am sorry to report that some of her research went right out the window when Elvis proved that it is entirely possible to remove a tonsil through your nose. But enough about Suzy, more about Elvis later. 

    
Daughter Nicole recently graduated summa cum laude from CSU with a degree in Occupational Therapy. Her thesis, which was titled Getting Old and All That Shit, or GOATS as it was known by its acronym, was so well received by doctors in the geriatric field, that Old Folks Homes everywhere be will implementing her therapy methods which are based on Yoga practices. They include a lot of downward dog and corpse poses. Denny will be one of the first old GOATS who will participate in the case study. But enough about Nicole.      

     Natalie, the littlest Lexus, took top honors and graduated with a PhD in her field of International Travel. Dr. Natalie was also named the winner of the prestigious Life Long Student Award, but unfortunately was not able to join us because she was too busy trying to locate her passport. However, she did become a charter member of our Flat Cat Sail and whether she knows it or not, she had a most interesting time. But enough about Natalie. 

     Son-in-law Joe may not have graduated from any prestigious school, but not to be outdone by those over achieving Lexus women, he is quite successful in his own right. He recently won the Nobel Peace Prize for his humanitarian work in Honduras and is so revered in that country that rumor has it that he will likely be elected as the next Honduran President. Joe says he is honored, but his true calling in life is to be a dog sitter so he will likely decline the position. Elvis approves and can personally vouch for Joe’s uncanny dog sitting abilities, saying, "it's like I was in his head at times." Enough about Joe...more about Elvis later.

     So after a several days of talking about and looking at the various diplomas, awards, trophys and degrees, the Lexus family settled into some of that adventuresome fun that they are known for. While I’m sad to report that Denny didn’t wrestle the Hammerhead shark this trip, he did perfect Nicole’s yoga corpse poses, and in fact got quite caught up in doing the downward dog-ear pose with Elvis.

While Karen and The Big Guy spent an ambitious morning holding down some beach chairs, the rest of us went on a thrilling ATV ride across Jost Van Dyke. The view was spectacualr and the consensus was that we all looked pretty darn good in the helmets.

     Suzy, the thrill-seeker of the bunch, showed perfect form when she was shot out of a cannon, from an old pirate ship, and flew right over the top of the boat, yelling, "look Dad, no hands!", on her way by. Denny swelled with pride. Not to be outdone, Nicole, who is a real dare-devil got brave one night and tasted cilantro! We all watched in awe but it turned out to be a let down, as Nicole said it was tougher to swallow than it looked.  Joe, who mostly worked on getting the swelling out of his legs, found out that not only does he love dogs, he loves fish too. Just not on the same plate. But more about Elvis later.  

The week flew by and as always it was a most interesting time with our most interesting friends. But enough about them...have I ever told you about Elvis?



     This recipe is for Mahi-Mahi with Ginger-Lime Beurre Blanc. It's an original creation and while I hate to brag, it just may be the best thing I've made since...well, I don't know when. 
     The Lexuses loved it; even Joe and Elvis who have been overheard saying they don't like fish. I've made it about 4 or 5 times now and  usually serve it over cheesey grits. It would also be delish served with coconut rice, orzo, or dog food. Go to the "Recipes" tab at the top of this page to view it. 

Mahi-Mahi with  Ginger-Lime Beurre Blanc, served with
 Cheesey Grits and Roasted Asparagus & Grape Tomatoes

The Flat Cat Sail

Our good friends, you know the most interesting ones we have, the Lexuses...well they came back to the BVI's to spend another week with us in what was supposed to be a celebration of all the little Lexuses respective graduations. (More about that later.)  Because of a passport SNAFU Natalie was not able to join her most interesting family. Created by accident and born out of necessity, we now have a new and exciting way for you to cruise the islands. Sound to good to be true? Read on! 

Think you can’t afford a week aboard a private yacht in the Caribbean? Think again. Captain Big and I (The Admiral) are happy to announce that Pisces is offering you the opportunity to vacation with us on what we are calling the “Flat Cat Sail.”
      Get this...it will cost you next to nothing. Just send us two headshot photos of yourself and we will blow them up to life size and tape you onto our flyswatter. From there you will get to experience the islands without ever leaving the comfort of your home.

Flat Natalie, enjoying her morning coffee

Our first guest, Natalie (The Flat Nat Cat Sail, we called it) didn’t come all the way from  Arizona to sail with us! Because we kept her updated daily with photos on Facebook, she barely noticed all the things that she wasn’t getting to enjoy!  




Like Natalie did, you can just relax and work on your tan or you can hang out with the Captain, who will even let you drive the boat, if you ask him nicely! 



If you are feeling adventurous you can dive into some water sports, like kayaking or laying around on a floatie. (Note: snorkeling is NOT recommended) 



The Flat Cat Sail includes all your meals and if you like to cook The Admiral will let you spend the day in the galley helping her prepare all those wonderful Island meals that you won't get to feast on! Plus, there are no additional charges for not eating all you want! Yes, you heard me right!

Want to party like a rock star?  You can start your day with Bloody Marys, drink Pisces Punch with lunch and throw back the vino at dinner, all while knowing that no matter how much you indulge there will be no worries of a hangover! Man, life just doesn't get any better than that! Can I get a witness?  

So what are you waiting for? If this sounds like your idea of fun, gather up a group of your friends or complete strangers and call us today!
     Operators are standing by. Use the word "Flatamaran”  in a sentance and get two extra days at no charge! Certain restrictions may apply. Photos will not be returned and the flyswatter will be reused. Taxes, fees and Captain's tip are not included in this offer.

This recipe (from my sister) is for Island Pancakes, which I swear on a stack of Bibles, are thee best pancakes you will ever eat! And I mean EV-VER! Go to the store, get yourself some Coco Lopez and some macadamia nuts, then go to the "Recipes" tab at the top of this page to view it.  

   Flat Natalie, loving her some Island Pancakes!

                                                                                          

Meat Wendell

On a small piece of sand next to a one lane dirt street on Jost Van Dyke, sits a little cobbled together shack with a sign that says “Wendell’s World". A stash of sea fans and conch shells sits on a table next to a door that is almost always closed, indicating that Wendell is not open for buisness. I'm not sure what he even sells, nor do I really care. The reason I keep going back is to see Wendell’s latest sign posting. Folks, this is Wendell's world and on JVD we are just living in it.
    
The sign below is the one that greets you at the door. Yes, smoking cigarettes cigarittes is a bad habit habbit, but illegal elegal?  Who knew?

 

Dang, sure are sorry that we missed his Birthday and Divorce Devorce Party!

But hey, there is always Easter and a Bikini Beekini and Diving Diveing Contest and much mutch more moor! 

Hey, I bet he'll be serving the worlds newest drinks at the party! Silk Panty, mmm just sounds like it would soothe sooth boys. (Seriously Wendell? Sheesh, give me a break.)

  

And unless you want problems probleams don't even think about pickin them young coconuts, but go on and have yourself a nice day anyway!

Hey guys, better listen to Wendell...he know's how to make a gal happy. C'mon, just give us your wallet and set us free!

Hmmm, fish for sale, and fresh to boot? But Wendell, how can we buy it when you u are NEVER open!!! 

Wendell, I presume?

Sorry, no reicpe recipe. After seeing the above picture I feel a little sick and can't come up with anything that won't make me through throw up a little.

Lime In De Coconut Treasure Hunt

Sierra laid down the #1 ground rule for the week by saying that if anyone snapped at anyone, then that someone would have to suck the other persons big toe. Sounds pretty much like your typical family rules, right? Both girls did agree that they would NOT be snapping at their father during the week. Well, you’ll never guess who snapped at whom! Or maybe you will…

     Ok, ground rules firmly in place we began what was the Mother of all Scavenger Hunts…5 days, 6 islands, 132 items and 4 (adult) kids on 2 teams all vying for 1 hidden treasure.

Team Wright vs Team Rice

   



Every Easter I attempt to one up myself by coming up with some kind of game that puts the traditional Easter egg hunt to shame. Last year it was the Amazing Easter Race, with Savannah and Eliza taking home the golden egg, so this year Aaron and Sierra (Team Wright) were gunning for the prize.

     Shane and Savannah (Team Rice) jumped into an early lead by spotting a 3 mast sail boat, a mango tree and a deflated dinghy, all before we had even left the docks. The rest of the week was a frantic search for turtles, dolphins, dudes with dreads, frigate birds, frangipani, fat guys in speedos, barracuda, flowerdy shirts, dogs on SUP boards, sea planes, red stripe in a can and much more. At the end of the week Team Rice had a 105 point lead, which gave them a 105 second head start in the search for the “buried treasure”, which was really just a green coconut with the words, “This is the winning coconut”  written on it in black marker, and which I had imbedded into the rock wall of some ruins of an old sugar mill. Team Wright found the coconut first and won the treasure box along with the first pick of the loot inside said box. (Savannah, remembering The Rule didn’t say anything, but her sad face definitely said exactly where she would like to put her big toe.)  

     Her momma didn’t raise no dummy, so Sierra picked the piece of paper with the picture of that handsome dude, Benjamin on it, while Savannah’s first pick was a very cool cross ring. Sierra must have a thing for old white haired guys, cause she choose Jackson and Lincoln too, while Savannah, always the fashionista, scored some pretty cool jewelry and T-shirts. All in all there were probably 50 items in the box, and it wasn’t all just girl stuff. The booty included everything from  Cuban cigars, baseball caps, key chains, to water bottles, fake gold coins, rum, candy, and more, so the boys came away with some good stuff too.   

   

     Over the course of the week, besides scavenging we got in some diving, snorkeling and hiking. A trip to the Islands is not complete without a stop at Willy T's and a must-have tattoo, given by the bartender. The routine works like this: you tell the barteneder where you want your tat and he gives the spot a good, long lick and then smacks the sticker on the spot, holding it there for a few to many creepy seconds. I'm not sure who the girls got their smart-alecky gene from, but when they told the barkeep they wanted a tattoo and he asked where, Sierra raised her arm and pointed to her armpit, while Savannah gave him the bottom of her foot. I can report that he was not amused and said, "ahhh, c'mon girls, I ain't doin that, that's just wrong." (Authors note: and there is nothing "wrong" with licking random peoples boobs, butts and sweaty what-nots? What a relief to know the Willy T bartenders have standards.) They did get their tattoos in a less sweaty/dirty spot, so they have now been appropriately Willy T'd.

The whole fam damily

It was an exciting week, we had a great time and I'm happy to report that Sierra was the only toe-sucker! We will look forward to them coming back next year for the Easter Family Feud Week!  

It took some coaxing but I was able to get Savannah to try a taste of my Thai Coconut-Lime (with Chicken) soup (adapted from a recipe in Bon Appetit). You know it's delish because even she liked it and there were NO ramen noodles in it.  See the proof below. Go to the "Recipes" tab at the top of this page to view it. 

The Bruise Cruise

See that little red bag on the right? It's our 1st Aid kit, which (in six months) we haven’t had the occasion to use. See that smiling group of people below left? Those are my cousins, better known as the reason that the little red bag was put to use.

The Big Guy and I could hardly wait for what we knew was going to be a wild and crazy week. These cousins are the fun ones...the ones who will drop everything and on a moments notice, drive 200 miles for a party. They not only come to the party, they are the party!     

We blamed The Big Guy for putting the process in motion when he started the trip off by trying to do one of the things that men are not genetically capable of. Multi-tasking. (News flash for the male species: Walking and chewing snoose is NOT considered multi-tasking. Either is simultaneously belching while a) talking, b) eating, c) scratching, d) watching sports.) Anyway, we’d barely left the docks when Big tried to put the hammock away while opening the storage locker that it goes into (attempted multi-tasking), which resulted in a fall and a slide (almost considered multi-tasking) across the deck, furthur resulting in a bruise to the bicep. Bad juju was in the air and The Bruise Cruise was not only officially born, but it was off and running.

     Later that night while Mona was getting into the dinghy she demonstrated the uncool way to do it, by taking one big step and then doing a face plant. The only thing stopping her from running her head into the far corner of the dinghy was the motor, which by the way, is the perfect size for a head to get wedged underneath. That may be why her eye was all swollen and weird looking. Still that didn’t explain the reason for the all night ralphing. (Concussion maybe?) She called flu bug, we called bull$h!t and thought it may have had something to do with the six different varieties of cocktails that she had ingested just shortly before the dinghy dive. I have to hand it to her, the next morning the girl did her best to rally because she really wanted to test out her new scuba certification. Finally it was agreed that puking into your regulator would be gauche, so her maiden dive was scuttled.

     Big and I took Tom on his first dive, and he did great, although we had a minor panic attack when what we thought should be about half way through the dive, discovered that Tom was about on his last breath. We made a beeline back to the boat and I had one hand on my octopus, ready to buddy-breathe if need be. Not to worry, Tom got to the surface with a good breath or two to spare. Whew, good thing we are practicing on the relatives. We would hate having to explain losing a complete stranger to a family of complete strangers.

The next day Mona must have given her bug to Tom, because he spent the better part of the day chumming for fish. Nausea from the flu is bad enough, but garnish it with a little sea sickness and you have a power puker on your hands. The poor guy was so sick that he and Mona got off the boat and checked into a little bungalow for the night. Did I mention that these are our fun cousins, the ones who are always up for a party? When Tom was feeling better he followed Mona’s lead and demonstrated yet another way of how not to get in the dinghy. His digger about landed him in the drink and if it hadn’t been for that dinghy line that got wrapped around his neck he could have gotten hurt. Luckily I was standing by with my camera and was able to capture the moment.

     Ok, so when you step from the salon into the cockpit you HAVE TO PICK UP YOUR FEET! Just sayin. Shyla kept forgetting that, which resulted in her stubbing her toe (the same one, natch) about 10 times a day. Finally on the 3rd day and on the 2nd stub of the morning, she jammed it hard enough to declare it broken. The hide was definitely peeled off and her pig began to turn a shade of purple that matched her nail polish, making it look like she had a sloppy pedicure. We gave her a shot of tequila and taped her up, all before the coffee was even cold. She howled like she were on fire when we poked a fin on her foot so she could snorkel The Baths. Yes, torture is included on all Pisces' cruises.

So we don’t specifically know what Paula did to earn her injuries, but somehow she managed to average about one bruise per day. Big is not a doctor, nor has he ever played one on TV; but he did stay in a Holiday Express once, so that gave him the necessary credentials to perform the surgery required to remove a piece of broken coral from her toe. Since she was biting down on that whiskey soaked rag that we had shoved in her mouth, we couldn't really decipher her yelling, but we think she said something about us needing a lawyer. 

         Jerome, aka “The Cleaner” did not get his black eye from diving under the dinghy to get the 5 jalapeno slices that I had the audacity to throw overboard. No, that came from repeatedly banging his head off the bowl while licking up the leftovers. What leftovers you ask? That’s right, with "The Cleaner" on board, there were NO leftovers, and he had the black eye to prove it!

     By the end of the week Susie, aka "Mrs. The Cleaner", had 3rd degree burns, and I’m not talking sunburn here, I’m talking scalding burns on her hands from doing dishes eight hours a day. After "The Cleaner" cleaned the plates then "Mrs. The Cleaner" cleaned them again. As if the burns weren't enough, she didn't notice that big thing on the back of the boat, aka "The Back of the Boat" and she smacked her hand on it which earned her her very own official Bruise badge. "The Cleaner" was able to kiss it and it make it better. (see photo below right...nah, come to think of it, he was just licking some leftovers off her face.)

     It was sometime around day six when Big dropped to the deck like he’d been shot out of a cannon. As he was hoisting the main sail he stepped on that part of the boat that he is always telling everyone else not to step on because it can be slippery. Well, he lay dead still for a few minutes before regaining consciousness. If the rest of us hadn’t been laughing so hard we could have gotten a picture, but as it turned out we missed a great photo op.

     I thought that I was going to be the only one to come away without a limp, a bruise or a permanent scar, but when there is bad juju onboard no one really makes it out alive. Case in point: everyone was in bed, the boat was quiet and I decided to go get some hang time in our new hammock, since I had not yet had the chance to take it for a test drive. Pillow and blanket in hand, I settled in. I closed my eyes and let a little sigh escape my lips. I was dead tired from all the cooking and nurse-maiding. About that time the hammock came to life and bitch slapped me right out it. I landed with a (loud) thunk, and I’m pretty sure a fractured shoulder, right on top of Tom and Mona’s stateroom. I heard the hatch creak open a little farther, heard the laughter and saw Mona’s head pop out, camera in hand. (Publishers note: As the author of this story I reserve the right to post whatever pictures I want to or don’t want to. And I don’t want to post THAT one.)

     At the end of the week the party-people went through more Advil, Neosporin, Dramamine, cortisone cream, tape, band-aids, peroxide, ear drops and benadryl than they did Bud Light Lime. (Exception: "The Cleaner" would be excused and excluded from that statement)

     By the way, they did snorkel and hike the Baths, had a beach BBQ, went to Anegada and got the Conga line started, bar crawled on Jost, and did so much more. It wasn’t like they all just laid around reading War and Peace and licking their wounds. Not them, they are The Bruise Cruisers and they'll  be back!

This is one of my all time favorite dishes and since I can find better shitake mushrooms here than at home, I have made it many times. (I think I originally found this recipe in Bon Appetit, but don't quote me.) I made this for the Bruise Cruisers and believe me when I say that there were NO leftovers.

Asian Pasta with Flank Steak

Elvis...oh yes he is guarding the bread basket!