Say It With Me: Salmon en Papillote

If you get home late and want to make a tasty, quick dinner ~ or if you need to pull together something impressive looking for a last minute dinner party, I'm here to rescue you with these three little words...Say it with me: Salmon en Papillote. Can't say it?  It's Salmon - ah - pah-pee-yoht. Sounds fancy huh? (Papillote is really just a snooty French word for Parchment Paper)

      QUICK RANT COMING: And for those of you who like to pronounce the "L" in salmon, let me sugar coat this for you ~ you just sound like an idiot, or a redneck! Or both. Stop doing it! There is no "L" in SALMON. It's sa-mon, not sal-mon. Do you say the "S" in island? Probably not, unless you have only a 6th grade education.  Do you say the "L" in chalk? No. I didn't think so, so don't say it in salmon. Take note, the double "ll's" in "papillote" are silent too. Are we clear here?

A beautiful piece of wild caught Alaskan Salmon

Back to saving your bacon....The other night I got home late and was digging through the refrigerator and found some asparagus, leeks, lemons and little fennel so I pulled a couple of pieces of salmon out of the freezer, thawed them in about ten minutes in bowl of cool water, and bam! in fifteen minutes we were having salmon en papillote for dinner.

Before it went into the oven

The beauty of this dish is that you can really use any kind of fish and whatever veggies and herbs you have on hand. Zucchini, carrots, ginger, snow peas, green onions, tomatoes, shallots, dill, mint, basil, bay leaf, parsley...the possibilities are endless. Not all of those at once mind you; pick out two to four things that go together; like peas and mint or tomatoes, basil and shallots.

Just make sure you cut the veggies in sizes that will cook at the same rate. Carrots will take longer than zucchini, so either cut the carrots in matchsticks or blanch them for a couple of minutes first. You get the picture.  (IMPORTANT NOTE: If all you have in your crisper drawer is radishes ~ order pizza. Radishes don't cook well and I've yet to find a wine that pairs with radishes.)

Sealed up and ready to go in the oven

Because everything is sealed up in a pretty package, the fish poaches beautifully in its own moisture, flavoring the veggies, while the veggies are lovin' up on the fish.   

Cut your parchment paper in a big heart shape. You will have a middle line (if you remember from grade school how you used to make hearts); then lay the fish and all the goodies on one side, close to the center line. Fold the other half of the heart over and beginning at the top (V-side) of the heart, begin folding it over in about 1" increments all the way around.

Bake at 350 for 10-15 minutes, depending on the thickness of the fish (allow 10 minutes per inch, max). I spank mine with a little pat of butter-love and then douse it with a good splash of whatever white wine I happen to be drinking at the time. Remove it from the oven, let it rest for a couple of minutes and then using scissors, make a cut down the center and open up your beautiful present. Dinner is served!

For a good example of how to cut and fold the parchment, click on this link.  A recipe is not really needed, but I did put one on the "Seafood" page, so click here if you want it spelled out.
Bon Appetit! That's French for "good appetite" or better yet, "enjoy your meal."

PRINT RECIPE:  Salmon en Papillote

God, Dogs, and Rock 'N' Roll

 Heaven ↑ Been there, going back

So we (my immediate family) are all in heaven. I’m not sure how we got there. Yellowstone finally erupted…a flood maybe? The Second Coming? We killed each other…who knows? But we are in Heaven.

And the conversation goes like this:

God:   Hey you guys, there’s a concert at the Pearly Gates tonight; who’s coming? I have front row seats and back stage passes for everyone! Oh…and free t-shirts. Did I mention that the beer and wine is on the house? And you know pets are always welcome here. So who’s in?

Most of Us:   Me! Woof! Woof! Me! Me! Duh!

God:   Great!  I just plucked a rowdy bunch of rednecks out of a trailer park in Oklahoma who said to count them in too! Oh, and I’m gonna throw in some Walmart folks for some good people watching. And did I mention most of your old friends will be there?  It’s gonna be a helluva party!

Me:   Hey God, does that concert ticket include a VIP parking pass?

God:   Of course my child, Valet parking for everyone!

Me:   Thanks God, count me and the pups in!

Son-in-law:   Nah not me. That time I went to Lynard Skynard they were just too loud. I think I’ll stay home and look for dog pee stains on the carpet.

God:   Suit yourself Son. Wait, did you say pee stains? Chihuahua pee stains? Hey, can we talk later? I got Hank Williams and Patsy Cline opening for Elvis and I really want to catch their act, but just so you know, I’ve been on the lookout for a new Pee-Pee Police and you might be my man! I need someone who’s willing to strap on a head light and crawl around on the carpet with a spray bottle of Bissell Foam Cleaner. You know, after all, Heaven is just one big dirty living room. Heh, heh, heh. So we’ll talk later...right?

Son-in-law:   Ahhhh, yeah sure God.  Elvis, huh? The King?

God:   Well, technically I’m the King here. Heh, heh, heh. Son, I gotta run. You just go on in search of a little doggie doo-doo while we catch a little pre-show Amy Winehouse. I just love that Rehab song!  I say no, no, no.  And don’t worry, you won’t really be missing out on that much. I mean Amy's good, but she's no Whitney.

     By the way, your family and the dogs—well, after ol' Waylon and Johnny Cash close the show they will all just probably go out for some BBQ—wait, scratch that, there is no BBQ in Heaven…that’s the other place. Heh heh, heh.  I’ll send the company jet to pick them up and they can all go grab some duck confit nachos, Copper River Salmon, truffle fries, and maybe a clean martini or two before they head off on that Alaskan Cruise.

Son-in-Law:   Alaskan Cruise? Well maybe….

God:   No…God no…don’t worry about trying to get the carpet cleaned before they leave. Relax, you are going to have all of eternity, that's plenty of time to clean 5,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 give or take, square feet of brand spankin’ new double-ply shag carpet. Plus—and you’re gonna love this—I've got twice that much Berber AND a new billion watt, three-way head lamp!!!! And for you buddy…I’m going to introduce you to your new best friend, Stanley.

Son-in-law:   Stanley?

God:   Steamer, you’ve heard of him haven’t you?  He was a BIG deal, back in the day. Fumes got the best of him. Anyhow, do you have ANY IDEA just how many Chihuahuas there are in heaven? A lot, I’m talkin’ A LOT.  Mexicans are Catholic you know. Do not pass go, go directly to Heaven. Heh, heh, heh.

     Anyway, you will probably be able to retire here as Major General Colonel of the Pee-Pee Po-Po. Chihuahuas will stand up and salute you for all of eternity.

    

Son-in-law:   But what about my fam….

God:   Your wife? Your daughter? Oh don’t worry about them. After that little Alaskan Cruise they are going over to the Jamaica side of Heaven. I heard they like old Bob. Marley. You know Bob Marley don’t you? Oh that’s right. Darn, you missed that show too! But hey, don’t feel bad. If memory serves me right…and it usually does, you found the Holy Mother of Mary of all pee stains on that night, while they were getting high…on afterlife…lighten up dude. This is God you’re talking to.  

Elvis Parsley-the "other" King.

 Just look at that face! ↓ I just LOVE this baby and I'm sure she loves us because she leaves us a little present every now and then.

Ellie Mae...my new "grand-puppy"

Author's Note: This is intended to be tongue-in-cheek humor about living life to the fullest and not sweating the small stuff. It's about enjoying time spent with my family and friends and not being hung up on crap that really isn't important in the grand scheme of things. In no way is this intended to be a jab at my son-in-law, whom I love and think is a good guy. This piece is merely a highly exaggerated account of his fierce distaste for Chihuahuas and dog pee.